Narcissism at its finest
I have may directions I could go with this. I could talk about an experience I just had with an individual who I had a disagreement with. I could generalize the concept and talk about how most of us believe narcissist are the stereo-typical, upturned nose character who is fully aware of their superiority complex. Instead, I’ll personalize it and share what I’ve learned in hopes that someone might identify and grow from it.
Hello Narcissist
I used to have a very hard time with relationships. My usual M.O. was to fall victim to some oppression, then to become a pesky antagonist to the oppressor, then I’d suddenly find myself saving the day and I would briefly be the hero. Of course, I’d then find myself persecuted for over-achieving and I would, once again, be oppressed…
For this cycle to succeed, I needed triangles. I needed someone to hate on and someone to confide in. I needed an ally and an enemy. I usually found myself, conveniently, between two existing foes.
All of this was made clear to me when I sought therapy to deal with relationship issues that I couldn’t make sense of. It astounded me how quickly the psychologist was able to identify patterns in my past that were so logical and so repetitive. She was able to tell me more about my family and growing up then I was able to tell her. Of course, she is a practicing Ph.D. psychologist for 22 years teaches at GSU and Emory University School of Medicine has worked with the Kennedy School of Government of Harvard University. Experience matters.
What she did, rather than tell me what was up, was give me a book. Trapped in the Mirror.
In this book, many painful scenarios are illustrated in which one individual behaves in a way that is passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive to the other. In reading the review on Amazon, you’ll find those who feel the book is spiteful and depressing and those who feel the book is enlightening. I fell into the latter group. I couldn’t finish the book. It was too familiar, too emotionally challenging to relate so well to these relationships. What I did read was enough to establish a pattern of behavior that I could now identify and explain.
Not your momma’s narcissist
When considering narcissism, most of us think of the person who walks in the room and acts like they own the place, talks down to everyone around them, and behaves like Napoleon returning home from successful conquest. The truth is that most people afflicted with this condition manifest it by "organizing their lives around denial of negative feelings about themselves" rather than demonstrating superiority. The truth is that most narcissists will outwardly appear to be very humble. They will speak of self sacrifice and the greater good. In the process, however, they will blind themselves to any consideration for their actions and how they affect those around them. They get so good at it that they become incapable of observing themselves or the perspective of others. Its as if they could stab you in the face and then absolutely believe it wasn’t them who did it.
To break the cycle or be consumed by it
Earlier I said that I was a narcissist. I’m actually more of a recovering narcissist. Once you are aware of the condition, you have the capacity to break the cycle. You have to work hard to put yourself in other people’s shoes. You have to accept burdens that you’d rather discard in order to prevent history repeating itself. You have to learn to recognize triangles and dissolve them fast.
Today I tried to handle something by directly addressing a problem that I thought could be resolved with a simple communication of my perspective. Narcissist behavior number one. I then brought another individual into the conversation to validate my position. That was both narcissism and triangle making. Finally, the whole thing dismantled and a snowball of dysfunction began to form.
The only ting left for me to do is ride out the storm. I find comfort in the fact that I can realize this was completely my fault and I made several judgement errors.
I watch my son grow and I see in him glimpses of myself and of my brother and I wish so badly to have a richer relationship with him when he is my age then I have with my parents. I believe I can create that reality but I have to constantly remind myself that I am predisposed to repeat history and every step I take must be a deliberate one that is not shrouded by my own, narrow, personal perspective.
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